False Evidence Appearing Real

Well, this is a depressing way to start off a blog but this blog is for me and is about my journey in life. I'm through trying to be a super human. I need a place to question everything without the world thinking I am falling apart. So here I go right to the heart of the matter, FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real).

I hate those hokey acronyms about things that we have no control over. Right now I'm stuck in FEAR mode and I am unwilling to deny it. I don't have the energy to be positive or hopeful. My life is too hectic for that. I can't delude myself into feeling that everything has a reason or purpose unto heaven. A part of me is tired and afraid and I am afraid of the future.

I have every right to be afraid. I have no job. I have no money. The tenants of our basement suite are moving and we might be stuck for the whole rent (money we don't have). My husband is struggling with his own demons. And to top it off, my first mammogram shows problems.

The fight to not immediately think I have cancer is too strong. It's like an elastic band that is pulled to to its extreme. I try to pull the idea out of my mind. My hand trembles at the thought of what I'm trying to control. Just when I relax, SMACK, the idea slams into my brain.

Right now, I found out that I can't schedule the tests I need to confirm or deny the diagnosis until sometime late next week. They won't even schedule an appointment until then. I don't even get to see the results of this mammogram. I have no idea what "some density" means. Just the judgement of some nameless radiologist and my fear and maybe my life hang in the balance.

I'm waiting to hear from my doctor to see if I can get into another clinic. Seems the one here in Coquitlam only processes additional tests once a week. Now my doctor just told me the earliest appointment I can get is July 13. That's a month away. A month of waiting. Of trying not be paralyzed by fear. Of trying to be brave and going ahead with my life anyway. Knowing that I won't even know what's going on until after the test. Wait for the results. Probably wait for other tests. It feels really cruel.

That's why I started this post. I have to get it out somehow. Find someway and someplace to tuck my feelings away. My hope is that this will let me communciate with myself and track this story. Maybe it will let me tell the people I love how I feel. What it's like for me to be going through this. I don't want to isolate but I also don't want pity. I don't want to scare people but I do need help.

I don't know how I'll be able to go to job interviews and commit to doing the best job I can when there is this big black thing hanging around out there. What if my job starts on the same day I get my results? What if the result are bad? How will I ask for a day off for more tests without breaking into tears? How can I explain my hesitancy without telling them the truth? Will they hire someone who might be sick? Will they hire someone who "appears" emotionally unstable? I don't know.

I've been through a lot. This isn't the first time I've been unemployed. Actually it's the fourth. Unfortunately, it comes at a time when I was hopeful about a positive future. When I actually began to let myself dream of a life without the pains of the past. I was ready to let go of the idea that when good things happen to me bad things are just around the corner. I was ready to let go of the idea that somehow I was being punished for believing that I could be happy. Now, here's another bad thing. A big bad thing. Maybe.

The only recourse left to me is to be clearly myself. Attempts to hide my feelings only result in chaos and fear, there's that word again, but how I really feel must come out somehow. It's the only way I can survive. Typing in this little box somehow helps. It helps to contain my fear. I can handle a little bit at a time.